Values in Communication

The set of values that a person uses to understand the world can sharply influence the relationships that are built by that person. Close bonds are made with those that are seen as trustworthy or that “tell us it is okay to be the person we want to be.” (Trenholm, 2013) These relationships can reinforce the values we hold, which can both ensure confidence and push other people, with differing values, out of close relationships.

In comparing and contrasting some of the people that I hold close, I found several value constructs that play a stronger role than I would have originally admitted to. (Appendix A) For example, I noticed that five of the six people (including myself) that I compared and contrasted were highly independent individuals. I would consider this a strong and important value to me. Each of the five exhibit traits that allow them to function independently of others, have had to draw hard lines to redefine family relationships and make choices that support their own aspirations and values without adhering to traditional roles or the input of many other people. While my two closest friends are not in the set of six, I notice that they, too, would fall in to this highly independent frame of mind. The one person that does not is my roommate, whom I compared to myself. She is, admittedly, dependent on other people and holds values high that have been influenced directly by her family and conservative church upbringing. She has told me in the past that she always imagined herself growing up and getting married so there were a lot of things she just didn’t bother to learn about – like how to get electricity started at our apartment.

This value of independence has added a sharp stereotype to my view of the people and relationships around me. I stereotype those that are not independent as not living up to their full potential, which is really unfair. I judge those that are reliant on others as immature and/or lacking in some way. My relationship with my roommate has been an important step for me in intentionally attempting to understand another viewpoint that does not line up with mine. Seeing the ways we are similar also helps with that as I feel that our similarities are more core than the ways we are different.

In communicating with different types of people I have noticed that I am more open with those I view as direct and independent. I feel safer knowing that I will be spoken back to with openness and honesty rather than soft-footed. I am more open with those that I don’t perceive will judge me for being different than them and will accept my actions as an independent learning process that will eventually work out for my good and understanding rather than something that should be approached with a checklist or set of rules. While some of these approaches are reasonably based on trust, loyalty and intimacy, there are many that are judgments of my own that could be hurtful and unfair to those around me.

As mentioned above, I believe my relationship with my roommate has been a positive experience in seeking to understand a different perspective and develop ways to navigate potential disagreements while the two of us are very different.  I think that experiences such as this help us develop more nuanced ways of understanding the world and a rich framework in which to communicate from. Meeting people who are different than we are should open our eyes to new ways of thinking and communicating that will help us further understand ourselves and the world.

I appreciate knowing the role my own values and constructs play in my day to day communication and hope to further expand my understanding and communication skills as I acknowledge my own stereotypes and judgments.

Appendix A

Trait Charts

Jessica (Sister)	Shared traits	Ariel (Person I socialize with)
Thick boundaries	Love Laughing	Adventurous
Family Oriented	Quality Time	Boy/sex oriented
Safe	Loyal	Pushes boundaries
	In Transition

Mike (Male friend)	Shared traits	Steph (Female friend)
Open	Bold	Closed off
Positive	Direct	Negative
Empowered	Family struggles	Victim-y
Holds people close	Great friends!	Devils Advocate
Black and White	Protective

Myself	Shared Traits	Kirsten(My roommate)
Liberal	Seek to Understand	Conservative
Independent	Christian	Dependent
Young at heart	Love our families	Old at heart
Spender	Desire Peaceful living	Saver
	Strong Life Vision

References

Trenholm, S. (2008) Thinking through communication: An introduction to the study of human communication (6th ed.). Boston: Pearson Education.